The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
