Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
