I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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