Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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