On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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