how can u be prego again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
