The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
