Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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