I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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