i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
