NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
