I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
