she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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