I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When did we convert life to cartoon?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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