rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
