im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family