Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
