He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
