Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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