I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
