Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
