we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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