Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
