i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
