So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
