We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
