My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
