he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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