we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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