The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
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Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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