Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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