So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
