My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
