before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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