Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
