I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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