I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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