i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
