Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
