The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
