I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
