Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
