I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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