Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
