You can't motorboat a personality
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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