woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
