you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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