Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
