My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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