if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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