so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
