Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
